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Louis van Gaal - Making A Murderer Of Attacking Football

BREAKING NEWS: Manchester United manager, Louis Van Gaal, has been charged with the murder of attacking football. Not seen since 12 May 2013, the charges have been accelerated given the recent revelations that remnants of attacking football had been found in Old Trafford last Saturday evening, when Wayne Rooney scored with a delicate flick against Swansea.

Agitated by the lack of fulfilment from watching Manchester United, a dedicated search party, after attending nine matches of which Manchester United won only one, had came to the sorry conclusion that they were destined to never find attacking football again. The search party was due to be abandoned when the most conclusive evidence yet was found in a 25-minute spell at Old Trafford when Manchester United actually attacked.

“It’s just a sideways, possession, boring style of football, and you have to ask: does he have a problem with forward players?” said Mr. Scholes, a member of the now aborted search party.

Multiple charges which include; the murder of attacking football, a lack of touchline emotion, ordering Phil Jones to take corners, and a decline in Match of the Day viewership, have been brought against Mr. Van Gaal, who intensely denies any wrongdoing.

Previous convictions

The enigmatic Dutchman, who managed Barcelona between 1997 and 2000, was previously charged and convicted with the attempted murder of attacking football in Catalonia. Despite his consistent claims that he was innocent of any misconduct, “to implant this philosophy in a club is very difficult, because this philosophy does not correspond with the culture of the club”, Van Gall professed at the time, the Dutchman was found guilty.

Upon being found guilty of a crime he so robustly asserted he didn’t do, he was handed his P45 from Barcelona and subsequently spent the next two years in club football exile. Nonetheless, his case was eventually acquitted and the self-professed philosopher was absolved of any misconduct when it turned out that Barcelona, in fact, weren’t all that good without him. Having won two La Liga titles in three years under Van Gaal, the club went the following two seasons without reaching the top 3. This was deemed as sufficient enough evidence to suggest that Van Gaal was innocent after all, and he was successfully acquitted.

A bit different

Van Gaal, in many ways, is the very antithesis of what the citizens of Manchester have come to expect. Under the tutelage of Sir Alex Ferguson, one of the most respected members of the Manchester community (depending on who you ask), Saturdays were seen as the highlight of the week. Masses would take the

pilgrimage to the Theatre of Dreams to watch an exciting brand of attacking football. Van Gaal, well, he’s a bit different – often viewed as an outsider. The only positive from his ultra-pragmatic approach is said to be the discovery of a drug-free antidote to insomnia. Mr. Ferdinand, a former citizen of Manchester shed some light on the asymmetry between Van Gaal and the previous regime. “What’s the difference between the philosophy of Manchester United under Van Gaal and the philosophy under Ferguson… Everything!”


In an unexpected twist of events, Ed Woodward, a close ally of Mr. Van Gaal, has admitted to his part in the crime that has sent shockwaves around the footballing world. Upon being questioned by a number of Manchester based journalists, in what appeared to be a routine briefing with this voucher where the Manchester United CEO was due to give his bi-weekly name-drop of a premium player he was said to be signing, Mr. Woodward sensationally confessed to his involvement in the killing of attacking football. Woodward conceded that it was, in fact, him who solely chose Van Gaal as the successor to David Moyes.

He went on to admit personally injuring Ander Herrera on multiple occasions and bidding for Gareth Bale in bitcoin. Perhaps most shocking, however, was his revelation that that he is responsible for Memphis Depay personalised headrests in his Mercedes G-Class – he had him as his Secret Santa. Apparently at the end Woodward’s confession, as he was being whisked away by authorities, he asked if he someone could record Deadline Day for him.

When quizzed about Mr. Woodward’s confession, Van Gaal questioned if the media should apologise to him. “Has anybody in this room not a feeling to apologise to me?” quipped the Dutchman – seemingly unbeknownst that he was still being charged.


Van Gaal, once again, proclaims his innocence in what many are describing as a complete miscarriage of justice. His defence team has told the jury, which consists of a multicultural cross-section of society – namely 600 million Manchester United fans – to only look at the evidence set forth in this trial, and not to take previous allegations into consideration.

The defence are said to be basing their argument of innocence on the back of what they describe as a “conspiracy”. They will argue that evidence has been tampered with and planted in an effort to portray their client, Mr. Van Gaal, as guilty. They will use Marouane Fellaini as a key part of their defence. Van Gaal is of the opinion that Fellaini, because of his physical presence, is often the cause of route-one football. They will argue that David Moyes knowingly planted Fellaini prior to Van Gaal’s arrival at Old Trafford.

It is also said that that they are firmly of the belief that Wayne Rooney, and Angel Di Maria at the time, were colluding with external forces, citing their unprecedented downturn in form as grossly unrealistic. It was said that former striker Radamel Falcao was to be used in the same vain, however, it turns out he actually is just not very good anymore.

The defence also intends to use the unprecedented upturn in Chris Smalling’s ability as evidence of the good coach that Van Gaal is. As well as the fact that Ashley Young is now one of Manchester United’s most potent attacking options. To which the prosecution are expected to use as further proof of Mr. Van Gaal’s guilt.

The prosecution alludes to a constitutional right of Manchester United fans to witness free-flowing attacking football on a weekly basis. They assert that seven goals in nine matches is irrefutable proof that Mr. Van Gaal is responsible for this atrocity, the likes of which have not seen since the days of Dave Sexton. They likened his lack of apathy towards fans that chant “attack, attack, attack” to the traits of a sociopath. His actions are deemed as pernicious and must be stopped before he offends again.

The trial is ongoing with a conclusion expected sometime around August, when Ryan Giggs is to take to the witness stand. It is not yet clear if he is part of the defence or prosecution, however.

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